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Someone is Missing at Christmas

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So, this is our third Christmas since Scott’s death.  I thought that each year would get easier.  In so many ways it is the opposite.  I didn’t expect it to be harder.  I still see things and think, “oh, Scott would like that” or “oh, that would be a good gift idea for Scott.”  I still avoid the men’s departments in stores as I cannot walk through or past them without thinking about clothing he would like or would have needed.  Scott rarely felt the need to buy clothing for himself.  I bought most of his clothing just so I wasn’t embarrassed by the condition of his clothing.  (He lived in t-shirts and shorts anywhere he could get away with it, and even some places that it wasn’t quite socially appropriate.) The holidays bring a heightened sense of loss as everything is about family and thinking of or doing things with your loved ones. I think of my aunt, who is facing her first Christmas since my uncle’s death right after Christmas last yea...
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Sucker Punched by Grief

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Wow -- I think both Jaelyn and I were sucker punched by grief this weekend.  It was a rough weekend emotionally.  I don't think I was prepared for how hard the grief hit this weekend.  This was the first "normal" weekend since Scott's death and maybe that is why it hit us so hard. I also think the reality of Scott being gone is starting to hit.  I don't feel as numb inside as I have most of the last three weeks.   I'm not sure if Jaelyn's reaction was simply playing off my emotions as I've noticed she has tended to do since Scott's death, or if it was similar to mine in reacting to Scott being missing from our "normal" time.  I have felt the tears just boiling inside me, begging to spill over all the time this weekend.  I have tried to control it because of concern for how Jaelyn would handle it.  I'm not sure that I did a great job of controlling it, I think it made me have a shorter temper and be less patient with Jaelyn.  Churc...
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Slow Deep Water

      Today was my Grandma Herr's funeral.  To be honest, I was dreading it.  Funerals have become extremely difficult since Scott's funeral.  Before the service began I had a chance to chat with my uncle about the healing I have seen in Jaelyn, as well as myself.  It is not an easy thing to talk about this as the tears come so easily still, especially when my emotions are so close to the surface.       I shared with my uncle that one thing I have begun to realize over the last couple of weeks is that as I have seen the significant healing in Jaelyn, I almost feel as if my grieving is just beginning.  This certainly isn't completely true, but there has been such a huge part of me tune into and focused on Jaelyn and helping her to grieve and heal that there is a part of my grieving that hasn't begun until now.  I think that putting that into words today for the first time was a huge first step.  I have been pretty deliber...
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