Echoes

I woke up this morning to the echoing sound of my name being called.  I lay there for a minute listening, trying to figure out if it was a dream or reality.  My mind and emotions rushed back in time to Scott’s death – being awakened at 3 a.m. by my sister-in-law calling my name to wake me up to tell me about Scott.  The sense of shock and disbelief that I felt that morning hung over me all day.  I had a hard time shaking the memory and feelings today.  During quiet moments I found my thoughts being drawn back to that morning.  I think that morning will forever haunt my thoughts.  There is still such a sense of unreality when I think about Scott being gone.  

I have been thinking about Scott a lot recently with the election.  Scott had very definite ideas about what he believed and was very passionate about politics.  He enjoyed researching the different point of views, discussing his thoughts and ideas, and arguing politics with friends.  Scott had even thought about writing a book about his political beliefs.  I found myself wondering what Scott would have thought about the turmoil of the final months leading up to the election.   

Quite often I find myself replaying the last two or three days before Scott’s death, the day of his death, as well as the days after his death until after the burial.  I see this replaying of the memories as like an echo in a valley.  When you yell into the valley, you hear the echo come back at you repeatedly, each time less clear and softer.  I see memories of tragedy the same way – if I do not allow myself to remember, the memory holds the power and intensity of the initial pain and can be overwhelming when it breaks through the suppression.  If I allow myself to remember the events when they come to mind, each time, the memory softens in clarity, intensity and pain.  This is a slow process and I don’t think the pain will ever go away completely but the sharp edges are softening and will continue to soften.