Turning Around "Pity Me" Moments

There are days when I am exhausted and want to say I am done with this grief thing, I am done with being a single mom, I am done with being a widow.  This never happened, it is all a bad dream and I am ready to wake up now, this is dragging out too long.  But I don’t have that option.  There are times at work that it makes me angry to see absentee fathers by their choice when I know that if Scott was given the choice, he would be here for Jaelyn right now. These are my “pity me” moments.  Thankfully they are not frequent.  I have to remind myself that I am not the only one who has ever lost a spouse at a young age and I am not the only one who has to parent alone.  I remind myself that there are many people in this world worse off than we are.  Sometimes it takes time to pull myself out of these pits.

I am feeling pretty emotional tonight, really missing Scott, but even more I am angry and grieving for Jaelyn for what she has lost.  I cannot imagine losing my father at such a young age.  My dad is still such a vital, important, and influential part of my life, even at my age and I cannot imagine that ever changing as long as he or I are alive.  My dad and I were talking tonight about how hard it is because Scott was such an involved father who did so much with Jaelyn on a daily basis -- not a deadbeat, absentee father whose absence she probably wouldn’t even notice.  Scott loved spending time with Jaelyn, teaching her all the things he loved to do.  He was so proud when she picked up sports and athletic things so quickly and easily.  He was looking forward to cheering her on in sports now and as she got older.

I’m thankful for how well Jaelyn is doing and that the coping skills that she is developing are healthy.  She is becoming better at identifying when her grief is affecting her mood and either talking about it or journaling.  At the parent/teacher conferences this week, Jaelyn’s teacher commented on how sad Jaelyn looks in her school pictures which were taken only 3-4 weeks after school started.  She told me that she doesn’t see Jaelyn looking sad in school anymore.  Since Jaelyn’s teacher lost a son to a congenital heart condition, she is in tune to Jaelyn’s emotions and grieving.  I truly believe that Jaelyn was placed in this teacher’s class for a reason this year.  Jaelyn received straight A’s this first marking period, but what makes me even more proud is when the teacher talks about her smile, her cooperativeness, her hardworking spirit, and her determination.  Those are the things that will get her far in life, not straight A’s.  Scott would be so proud of her also.