Lori's Rambling

Sitting in the Veteran’s Memorial at the cemetery, listening to the chimes ring out a song on the hour.   There are not too many more peaceful things than the sun shining, the birds singing, and the bells chiming.   Again I didn’t walk back to Scott’s grave because every time I come to the cemetery, there is work being done close by so there would be no privacy.   It is really frustrating that I haven’t been at his grave since right before Christmas, although I have been at the cemetery.   I appreciate all the work that is put in to making the cemetery beautiful, but wish that it didn’t always seem to have to be in that particular section every time I stop by.   I thought that with today being Good Friday that no one would be working – but I was wrong.   There are signs of new life everywhere – buds on trees, crews planting new trees and shrubbery.   Yet my heart is heavy as I’m sure Jesus’ followers were on this day thousands of years ago. ...

So, the Bible study at church this morning continued off of last week.   Beth Moore continued talking about getting past our devastation (anger and fear of God).   She said a few things that really spoke to me.   One of the most significant things that Beth said is that the greatest work that God will ever do in your life is on the other side of devastation.   It was noted in the Bible that David’s most passionate worship to God came on the other side of devastation.   While Scott’s death could never be interpreted as good here on earth, God promises that ALL things work together for good.   Sometimes this promise makes me angry at God and keeps me in the devastation.   I think that in my humanness I often feel that by accepting that promise, I am saying that whatever happened was good.   Then I hold on to guilt, anger, and fear toward God.   It is a choice to trust God and claim the promise that God is good.   Obviously this is n...

Touch – I always knew that touch was important to having a feeling of connection with someone, but I am realizing just how important it is just for well-being.   When I sit and look at pictures scrolling through on our digital picture frame, as I see pictures of Scott, I find myself craving and trying to remember the feel of Scott’s hand in mine, listening for the sound of his heartbeat with my head on his chest, remembering running my hand over the top of his head after cutting his hair, the touch of his lips on mine.   I even miss those moments when he was sweaty and smelly, giving me sweaty hugs or wiping his sweat on me.   I have found out how much I took for granted all the little moments in life.   It is not just the companionship that I miss, but all the little things that combined create a picture of our marriage.   I can certainly understand why some widows/widowers marry again quickly as there are days when the loss of all the little things that ma...

I have found myself lately not wanting to post on the blog as I feel like what I want to write I have already said before and I don’t want to repeat myself.   Then today I read the following blog on grief and I have gained a whole different perspective.   So, if I repeat myself, please know that this is what I need right now.   I am either in need of insight into my feelings or I am simply in need of letting off some of the steam of grief. When You Have Said it All, Say it Again His son died in his sleep for no apparent reason and certainly with no warning. There is no loss equal to the death of a child, but he lost even more. His whole future was based on passing his business to his son who was proving to be more than capable of assuming the role. He has been as crushed as anyone I have ever known and is getting more and more discouraged with what he sees as a lack of progress. I think he is about where one would expect at this stage of his grief journey, but ...

Flashbacks – there is something just so powerful about these moments.   “It is so curious:   one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief.   But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly   blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer. . .and everything collapses.” -   Colette   While I have had a number of these moments, and I don’t expect that they will ever go away completely, before this past weekend I didn’t really think about Jaelyn having these moments.   As I mentioned in a previous blog post, Jaelyn had a difficult weekend with memories of her daddy bringing sadness.   This was the first that I really thought about Jaelyn having those flashback moments also.   I can’t imagine how much harder it is for her when those moments occur.   I know how difficult they are for me as an adult, how fresh and raw they ...

So, my heartbreaking moment of the weekend came at an unexpected moment.   I was watching the Bertrand three tonight to allow Bill and Lori some time out without kids.   Jaelyn was playing Barbies with Emma (who is four).   It was interesting listening to their playacting with the Barbies.   It was cute until I heard Jaelyn get very adamant about not having a daddy, that the daddy was dead.   I wanted to just sit and cry.   Maybe this was her own little bit of play therapy, getting some of her feelings out, or normalizing the fact that her daddy died.   Not sure, but it was like a punch in the gut.   I really have felt that Jaelyn is dealing with losing her daddy in a positive way.   We talk about him often and my parents report that when she is with them and they are doing anything outside that she talks about her daddy constantly.   I see her craving of that male influence.   Since Scott’s death, she has become Grandpa’s gi...

I think that if there is one thing that I have learned on this grief journey it is that I am much more comfortable talking about my faith than I have been in the past.   Maybe it is because my faith is much more real and absolutely vital to me now.   When I know that I could not get through each day without the strength that God gives me and when I look back over the past year and see God’s hand all over decisions we made and things that happened prior to Scott’s death and how He has supplied every need we have had when we needed it, I see why the living and sharing of my faith comes much more naturally.    I have had many people comment on the grace and strength that I have shown in this journey and I can absolutely say that it does not come from me.   There are days when I would love to through a childish temper tantrum with God about how life isn’t fair and how could He “let” this happen.   But I cannot forget God’s sacrifices for me and I cannot for...

So, now that life is finally starting to slow down, my emotions are starting to catch up to me.   There is such a balance between being too busy to grieve and having too much time to grieve and wallowing in it.   I have to admit I haven’t had to worry about wallowing in it, as I haven’t had enough down time to wallow or get stuck in the depths of grief.    The last two to three months have been such a whirlwind with the holidays, settling on the new house, working on getting the new house ready, and moving that I haven’t had time to really sit down and face some of my emotions.   The end result of that is that I am going through a surge in emotions in the last two to three weeks. Yesterday I took the day off of work, simply to get myself organized and ready to do my taxes last night.   Between having a rental property, Scott’s death, and the paperwork from the business that Scott was starting at the time of his death, taxes are not a simple thing in ...

I have been feeling melancholy and down this evening on our drive home from Shippensburg and since arriving home.   We had a good time with family today as we always do when the Bradley family gets together.   There is always laughter, if there is one thing that I can say the Bradley family does well, it is laugh and find humor in little things.   I kept hearing Scott’s laughter echoing in my head along with everyone else and I kept picturing him hanging out with the family, teasing Emma and Jaelyn, talking with Fernando about some business venture, instigating a game with the family.   He would have really enjoyed seeing his mom playing Uno Attack and taking pleasure in skipping Deanna or making her draw cards, while taking it easy when play reversed and Jaelyn was after her.   I find myself thinking about how different our life would be right now if Scott wasn’t gone.   I wouldn’t have predicted much change from what our life was like a year ago. ...