Say It Again

I have found myself lately not wanting to post on the blog as I feel like what I want to write I have already said before and I don’t want to repeat myself.  Then today I read the following blog on grief and I have gained a whole different perspective.  So, if I repeat myself, please know that this is what I need right now.  I am either in need of insight into my feelings or I am simply in need of letting off some of the steam of grief.

When You Have Said it All, Say it Again

His son died in his sleep for no apparent reason and certainly with no warning. There is no loss equal to the death of a child, but he lost even more. His whole future was based on passing his business to his son who was proving to be more than capable of assuming the role. He has been as crushed as anyone I have ever known and is getting more and more discouraged with what he sees as a lack of progress. I think he is about where one would expect at this stage of his grief journey, but he is convinced he should be past the intense pain and is frustrated with the constant burden he feels.

He called the other day to set up another appointment with me but said, "I am not sure I should waste your time, I have said all I know to say and have nothing to add." I urged him to come. I told him he did not have to have anything new to say, that I was content to listen to him say the same things over and over again. I am sure that sounds like a waste of time to him and perhaps to some of you who are reading this blog. What good is it to just keep talking after you have said it all? Why do I want to spend a couple of hours of my evening listening to a story I know so well I can almost tell it word for word in the same sequence he will use tonight. How can that help? What good does it do to keep talking? May I suggest several reasons?

We get insight as we talk. Most of the help that helps comes from inside ourselves. As we talk, we gain insight into how we feel and why we feel the way we feel. There is no way to know when insight will happen, and it certainly doesn't happen every time we tell the story. We just keep telling it until it happens and we develop a deeper understanding.

We bleed off feelings as we talk. The emotions, the anger, the frustrations, the hopelessness, and the fears that accompany profound loss need an outlet. If we do not find ways to express these feelings, they tend to internalize and do damage to us. While we are telling the same story over and over, we are also releasing some of these feelings and emotions. Grief is a lot like a balloon being filled with air, at some point there is no room for any more air and some outlet must be found to relieve the pressure. Talking, even when we are saying the same thing over and over, is the best way we have for relieving the pressures that build in a grieving heart and mind.

Talking helps us feel safe. I really do not believe in grief counseling. Grief is not mental illness. People in grief need companioning far more than they need counseling. People in grief need safe people and safe places where they can say anything they want without fear and without being corrected or directed. Where they can feel whatever they need to feel without being told they are not doing grief right or that they should not feel the way they do. The more they talk the safer they feel. This is especially true if they have one or two people they talk to on a regular basis.

Sometimes there are things we need to talk about that are not directly connected to the grief, but do have an impact on how we walk through the grief. If, for example, a couple were having marital problems before the death of a loved one happened, the grief and the marital issues can entwine and it becomes hard to know which feelings come from the grief and which ones come from the marriage. Sometimes it takes a great deal of talking before the person feels safe enough to talk about problems that seem unrelated, but need to be told along with the grief story.

The best advice I can give is, when you feel like you have already said it all, find a safe place and say it again.

http://www.thecarecommunity.com/GriefSafePlace/DougsBlog/tabid/63/mid/385/newsid385/115/Default.aspx

Doug invites you to log in and post comments at the end of each blog entry or email him at doug977@gmail.com. He looks forward to hearing from you. Any of Doug's books, CDs or DVDs are available at www.InSightBooks.com.

 

I particularly liked the section that I underlined – grief is not a mental illness.  Too often the first response to someone who is grieving is, maybe you need to see a counselor.  That frustrated me when this suggestion was made as in my mind it somehow implied that there was something wrong with me.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that there are circumstances when a counselor is needed to help in certain areas, I am a firm believer in this. There are times when other issues can complicate grief and a counselor is helpful.   However, I agree with Doug, what a person who is grieving needs (at least from my perspective) is someone to listen, even if it means listening over and over again, without offering advice or suggestions, just listening.  Everyone needs to find their own way on this grief journey.  I can share what has helped me, but always with the preface that this may not help you and you need to find for yourself what will help you.  This is part of the journey of healing and learning.  I have chosen to open myself and my journey up to others – most people would not choose this route.  I didn’t consciously make the decision to take this route in the beginning, I believe it simply started out as a deep desire to express the intense emotions that I was experiencing and it sort of took on a life of its own from there.  Yet at some point, it did become a conscious decision, based mostly on the positive and encouraging response that I have received, but also what I have learned about myself in the process.