Heartbreaking Moments

So, my heartbreaking moment of the weekend came at an unexpected moment.  I was watching the Bertrand three tonight to allow Bill and Lori some time out without kids.  Jaelyn was playing Barbies with Emma (who is four).  It was interesting listening to their playacting with the Barbies.  It was cute until I heard Jaelyn get very adamant about not having a daddy, that the daddy was dead.  I wanted to just sit and cry.  Maybe this was her own little bit of play therapy, getting some of her feelings out, or normalizing the fact that her daddy died.  Not sure, but it was like a punch in the gut. 

I really have felt that Jaelyn is dealing with losing her daddy in a positive way.  We talk about him often and my parents report that when she is with them and they are doing anything outside that she talks about her daddy constantly.  I see her craving of that male influence.  Since Scott’s death, she has become Grandpa’s girl when she is with my parents, always sitting in his lap, making sure he participates in everything she does – even if it is just sitting and watching.  At the house warming party yesterday, one of Scott’s closest friends, Bill Baltaeff, came with his daughter.  Bill and Scott would always roughhouse with the kids when we were all together.  It brought tears to my eyes watching Bill roughhouse with the kids yesterday and Jaelyn was in the center of the mix.  I think that the playacting tonight may have been a way of expressing her emotions stirred up yesterday.  I believe that roughhousing with Bill made her miss her daddy especially as he played and roughhoused with her a lot.  I’m sure it was hard for Bill too, to be here roughhousing without Scott.

I find myself particularly aware of Scott’s absence during social activities.  Scott was always the more social of the two of us and he craved social time.  Scott needed social time with friends to keep himself centered and stress-free.  I have always craved quiet time to keep myself centered and stress-free.  It was quite the balance during our marriage to meet both of our needs in this area.  Since Scott’s death I find myself craving social time more, maybe because the quiet seems to close in around me at times and it is too quiet. 

I really needed the time in my bible study at church this morning.  We are doing a video series specifically for women in a study of the life of David.  Today the video was Beth Moore.  This was the first time I had an opportunity to hear her speak and the video today was particularly appropriate for where I am at.  There were a few things that she said that really hit home.  To paraphrase, “Whatever God has called you to do is beyond you, because God will do it through you.”  That is how I feel about this grief journey – this grief journey is so beyond me and the only way I am getting through it is because God is doing it through me.  “I don’t want a tweak; I want a transformation.”  I believe that the biggest transformations come through those things that God calls you to do that are beyond your human ability – because then I have to allow God to work through me, which results in a significant transformation.  I certainly wouldn’t have chosen this way to have God transform my life, but Beth Moore’s whole talk, in my mind, described the grief journey.  Her closing thought was that in order to allow God’s transformations in our lives, we need to move past our devastation (anger and fear of God) with God.  I believe that this is a very key piece of the grief journey – to move past our anger and fear of God – to begin to fulfill the purpose God has for us in the process.