Flashback Moments


Flashbacks – there is something just so powerful about these moments. 

“It is so curious:  one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly  blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer. . .and everything collapses.” -  Colette

 

While I have had a number of these moments, and I don’t expect that they will ever go away completely, before this past weekend I didn’t really think about Jaelyn having these moments.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, Jaelyn had a difficult weekend with memories of her daddy bringing sadness.  This was the first that I really thought about Jaelyn having those flashback moments also.  I can’t imagine how much harder it is for her when those moments occur.  I know how difficult they are for me as an adult, how fresh and raw they make my grief feel.  I know that her journey through grief is different than mine, both because she is a child and because each person’s journey is different.  I see her grief coming in spurts, as children’s grief typically does (at least according to all the information that I have read).  I am grateful that she is able to have fun, enjoy her friends, and move on in life, while still remembering her daddy and honoring his memory. 

I have been having a lot of flashback moments over the past month.  I’m not sure if this is simply because of where I am in this grief journey, or because of Scott’s birthday in February and our upcoming anniversary in April.  I find myself thinking about him more – at work, while driving, etc.  No matter how busy I get at work, right now I find myself thinking about him a lot and really missing him.  I have been thinking back over the moments before and after his death, finding out about his death, and telling my parents, Jaelyn, and his friends about his death.  Those heartbreaking memories never fail to bring tears to my eyes.  I still find myself pausing and asking myself if this really happened or if it is all a bad dream.  I cannot tell you the number of moments this winter when I would see different men wearing the same winter jacket that Scott had – and it would make me pause in my tracks for a moment until reality struck.  Or hearing the ding of a text message on my phone, picking it up expecting to see a message from Scott.  Or even more frequently, hearing news or updates from family, friends, or national news that Scott would have been interested in, and thinking to myself, I need to remember to tell Scott about that.  Flashbacks have the power and strength to pull me back in time to the moment when I first was told about Scott’s death and all the raw emotions that go with it. It is as if I am reliving that moment all over again.

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