Lori's Rambling

In my job as a case manager for children and adolescents with mental health issues, there are times when I need to go to Crisis Intervention with the kids and their families.  In our county Crisis Intervention is located inside the emergency room of the Good Samaritan Hospital.  This also happens to be the hospital  emergency room  that Scott was taken to when he had his fatal heart attack and where I first saw him after his death.  No matter how many times I go there with the families that I work with and walk past the trauma room where he died, it instantly has the power to take me back in time to the early morning he died and walking into that room and the shell-shocked feeling that overwhelmed me.  Today was one of those days.   As I reflected on this in a conversation with my mom this afternoon, we talked about a little boy in our church with some serious medical disabilities who requires a suction machine to assist him in keeping his airways...

As I sit and think back over this past weekend, one word comes to mind - bittersweet.   I think I feel that way every time we make the 4 1/2 - 5 hour trip to get together with the extended Bradley/Nottingham family.  I started joining Scott way on this trips way back in 1997 when we first started dating.  Those trips together continued, often multiple times a year, for the next fifteen years, until Scott’s death.  Due to the busyness of life, we did miss a year here and there, but tried to get there at least once a year.   Then Jaelyn and I continued making those trips in the four years since Scott’s death.  Each time is bittersweet.  I love seeing Scott’s family, who became my family when we married, but have been so special to us and loved on us so much in the years since Scott’s death.   I see glimpses of Scott and his personality in his cousins and other family.  This is bitter, in that it highlights that he is no longer here...

Friday evening I had the blessing of spending some time with two of "our" girls from Milton Hershey School.  For those that may not know, Scott and I were houseparents at Milton Hershey School for a little over four years.  We spent 1 1/2 of those years with elementary school girls and then moved with them to middle school for another three years.  There were six or seven girls that we had the entire four years (the first six months we moved from home to home covering for other houseparents on their days off).  We left Milton Hershey School when Jaelyn was 5 1/2 years old.   There are a few girls that really hold a special spot in my heart and held a special spot in Scott’s heart as well.  Aaliyah and Keirstin (KeKe) are two of those girls.  The last time that I had the opportunity to see them - and KeKe’s sister, Angel (who also holds a special spot in our hearts) - was at Scott’s viewing.  I was very blessed and touched by the effort that t...

Father’s Day has become a bittersweet day in our household since Scott’s death.   While I have always loved and appreciated my dad for the father he has been to me, since Scott’s death I have come to treasure that relationship even more.  When I look at Jaelyn and see what she lost when Scott died, I do not take for granted the love my dad has for me, the time he spends with me, and how he still takes care of me.   Jaelyn lost an incredible father who loved her dearly, spent lots of time with her, and took great care of her (and made sure that she would continue to be taken care of if anything happened to him).  He would be so proud of the wonderful young lady that she is.   Yet, Jaelyn was not only blessed with a wonderful father (although her time with him was short), she has been blessed with a few wonderful men in her life, who have really invested in her life, love her dearly, spend time with her, and take great care of her.  It...

Today I had the honor and blessing of presenting the third annual Scott Bradley Scholarship Award at our church for Youth Sunday for a graduating senior showing great faith and adventure in their walk with God.  As always, God was working ahead of time.  This year, due to one of Scott’s investments coming to fruition, I was able to contribute double financially what I have been able to contribute the first two years.  Normally I would not share the financial side of this, but it is a vital part of understanding God working in all of this.  I made this decision a couple of weeks ago prior to the selection process (which is completely done by the youth and youth leaders) for the winner.  Imagine my surprise when I arrived at church this morning and found out that this year there was a tie for the winner!  Yet, why should I be surprised?   God provided financially for the tie ahead of time (in fact, four years ago — as this investment was initiated by Sc...

Earlier this week I read the transcript of the commencement address that Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook CEO, gave at the University of California, Berkeley.  For those of you who may not be familiar with her story, a little over a year ago, she lost her husband unexpectedly and without warning to a cardiac arrhythmia.  In her commencement address she shared about her grief journey and the lessons that she learned.  A lot of what she shared has resonated with me all week.  A few quotes stood out above the rest.   “Dave’s death changed me in very profound ways.  I learned about the depths of sadness and the brutality of loss.  But I also learned that when life sucks you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.  I learned that in the face of the void - or in the face of any challenge - you can choose joy and meaning.”   Definitely Scott’s death has changed me in profound ways as well and given me an unde...

Tulips blooming are the epitome of spring and new life coming after a cold, hard winter.  This morning I have been thinking about the parallel I see to my grief journey.  I have come a long way in the last 3 1/2 years and I’m seeing the tulips blooming, with a shift in perspective from day-to-day to looking toward to and dreaming of the future.  And just as the snow today is a sudden, shocking plunge back into winter - even if only for a day or two — so it happens for me.   Most days are bright and have the promise of tulips blooming and new life.  But every so often, just like this unexpected snow, something will happen that plunges me back into the cold, hard grief - even if for a short time.  Many people dream of their loved ones after their passing.  That has been a fairly rare occurrence for me, and when it happens is almost always bizarre and not true to life.  However, the last two nights I have dreamed of Scott, which was warm and c...