Lori's Rambling

  Today, while avoiding cleaning by organizing and decluttering, I came across the sign-in book from Scott’s viewing and funeral, as well as laminated copies of his obituary. I don’t know if I will ever get use to seeing it in black and white.  I know that I write about Scott’s death and our grief journey frequently, but there is just something heart wrenching about seeing it in print from a newspaper and in the Funeral binder from the funeral home.  As I sat reading through the names of everyone who came to the viewing and/or funeral, there were many names of people that I don’t remember talking to at the time.  I know that I talked to a lot of people, many I didn’t/don’t know that were connected to Scott or his family.  But there are family members from my side of the family that I don’t remember talking to.   It is all a blur really.  I wish I could remember all the conversations from those two days with all the people who loved Scott and/or ...

  I’ve had some random thoughts floating through my head over the past couple of days.   Saturday morning was a rough morning with Jaelyn being cranky and grumpy for no apparent reason.  If I truly got to the root of the problem, it was that she didn’t want to go shopping with me that morning.  It was then that I really got angry in my spirit – not outwardly.  Outwardly I remained calm and reminded her that since Daddy’s death, I am the only one to take care of shopping, cleaning, etc.  This means that she is going to have to go with me to do things she doesn’t enjoy, that this is just the way life is right now.  Inwardly I felt like joining in her temper tantrum and screaming and crying, “This isn’t fair!”  I am angry at the situation, but because Scott’s death wasn’t anyone’s fault, there is no where to place that anger.   I have found myself getting angry over the situation more often than I have over the past fourteen months....

  Working on Jaelyn’s birthday party planning tonight brought mixed emotions.  This is her second birthday without her daddy.  The special days are the days when I wonder if the pain at these times will ever lessen.  I find myself sitting and crying over our loss which I haven’t done in a while.   Don’t get me wrong though – no tears does not equal no pain.  The grief is a constant dull throb, with moments of sharp stabbing pain.   Thankfully the moments of sharp stabbing grief are not as frequent as they were a year ago.  There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about Scott and talk about Scott – often with laughter, sometimes with tears, and occasionally with laughter and tears combined.  Scott left us with many happy, funny, and special memories. Every time we take a trip to the cabin with my parents, we talk about Scott and memories that we experienced with him at the cabin.  When we were riding the bike trail ...

  About a year ago I bought my first Origami Owl necklace.  A friend of mine started selling them last fall, just after Scott’s death.  When I followed her link to the website, what I saw intrigued me.  It was a unique piece of jewelry that I could personalize in memory of Scott for a reasonable amount of money.  I had never heard of Origami Owl before that.  Even the name, Living Locket, was meaningful, as the charms that I chose for it represented Scott’s life and death.  The locket was beautiful when it arrived and I have worn it frequently over the past year.  Every time I wore the locket I would have comments and questions about it.  It allowed me to talk about my story and what each charm in the locket stood for.  Jaelyn would frequently ask me if she could get one.  I hesitated for the longest time, concerned whether she would take care of it.  A few months ago I made the decision that I would get Jaelyn her own Origa...

  There aren’t many things more beautiful and awe-inspiring than sitting in the Veteran’s Memorial at Indiantown Gap National Cemetery, feeling the warm sun on my head, blue sky above me scattered with white clouds, listening to the water cascading in the fountains and the chimes echoing “Have Thine Own Way, Lord” out over the cemetery. “Have thine own way, Lord, have thine own way.”  How hard that is to pray.  Sometimes I think we sing these words so easily, never imagining what those words might actually mean for our own lives.  As we discussed in Bible Study on Sunday, following God’s direction for our lives does not promise an easy and smooth path.  A rough and challenging path does not mean we aren’t following God or hearing Him correctly.  It may mean we need to hold onto His hand more tightly and rely on Him more fully.  If the path God called us to was easy, we wouldn’t need God.  I’m not saying that God is sadistic and manipulative, mak...

  I spent this evening, with my parent’s help, sorting through what probably amounted to about four filing cabinet’s worth of notebooks, papers, bank statements, financial records, and keepsakes that have been stored in our garage for years.  Most of the paperwork was dated prior to Jaelyn’s birth, so that gives you an idea of what kind of pack rats that Scott and I were – mostly Scott, although I had my share of stuff too.  I don’t think Scott ever threw away a pay stub, bank statement, notebook, or scrap of paper.  I learned that oil was $1.49 a gallon in 2004 when Jaelyn was born – contrast that with over $3/gallon now.  I found  what appears to be every single paper I ever wrote in college – I’m sure that there are a few missing, but probably not too many.  There were stacks upon stacks of genealogy information from my family and Scott’s family too.  Old photos stuck in here and there, when we both looked much younger – I was much thinner and...

    I found this quote on Pinterest tonight and it really caught my attention.  I think because grief is so painful and difficult the tendency is to focus on "getting through it."  What really hit me when I read this quote tonight was the reality that there cannot be a goal to "get through it and move on."  Rather it is taking the time to experience the grief and allow it to change you.  Grief is going to change you regardless of what you do; however, how you experience grief affects how it changes you.  If I had chosen to stuff my grief down inside me and not allowed myself to experience emotions, I would have deadened emotions as if I allowed any emotions it would cause all the stuffed ones to come exploding out.  I have learned that expressing those emotions and facing them has made me more sensitive to others, especially others in the grief journey.   My prayer is that this grief journey changes me in positive ways....