Lori's Rambling

  There aren’t many things more beautiful and awe-inspiring than sitting in the Veteran’s Memorial at Indiantown Gap National Cemetery, feeling the warm sun on my head, blue sky above me scattered with white clouds, listening to the water cascading in the fountains and the chimes echoing “Have Thine Own Way, Lord” out over the cemetery. “Have thine own way, Lord, have thine own way.”  How hard that is to pray.  Sometimes I think we sing these words so easily, never imagining what those words might actually mean for our own lives.  As we discussed in Bible Study on Sunday, following God’s direction for our lives does not promise an easy and smooth path.  A rough and challenging path does not mean we aren’t following God or hearing Him correctly.  It may mean we need to hold onto His hand more tightly and rely on Him more fully.  If the path God called us to was easy, we wouldn’t need God.  I’m not saying that God is sadistic and manipulative, mak...

  I spent this evening, with my parent’s help, sorting through what probably amounted to about four filing cabinet’s worth of notebooks, papers, bank statements, financial records, and keepsakes that have been stored in our garage for years.  Most of the paperwork was dated prior to Jaelyn’s birth, so that gives you an idea of what kind of pack rats that Scott and I were – mostly Scott, although I had my share of stuff too.  I don’t think Scott ever threw away a pay stub, bank statement, notebook, or scrap of paper.  I learned that oil was $1.49 a gallon in 2004 when Jaelyn was born – contrast that with over $3/gallon now.  I found  what appears to be every single paper I ever wrote in college – I’m sure that there are a few missing, but probably not too many.  There were stacks upon stacks of genealogy information from my family and Scott’s family too.  Old photos stuck in here and there, when we both looked much younger – I was much thinner and...

    I found this quote on Pinterest tonight and it really caught my attention.  I think because grief is so painful and difficult the tendency is to focus on "getting through it."  What really hit me when I read this quote tonight was the reality that there cannot be a goal to "get through it and move on."  Rather it is taking the time to experience the grief and allow it to change you.  Grief is going to change you regardless of what you do; however, how you experience grief affects how it changes you.  If I had chosen to stuff my grief down inside me and not allowed myself to experience emotions, I would have deadened emotions as if I allowed any emotions it would cause all the stuffed ones to come exploding out.  I have learned that expressing those emotions and facing them has made me more sensitive to others, especially others in the grief journey.   My prayer is that this grief journey changes me in positive ways....

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11   I came across this verse tonight while reading through a book on the journey through grief.     I have been doing a lot of thinking since passing the year mark of Scott’s death.   I have felt the pull of despair and discouragement harder in the last couple of weeks than I have in a little while.   I believe that my focus over the past year was moving forward day by day with a subconscious goal of making it through the first year.   Since “making it through the first year” I have felt like I am wandering aimlessly.   Any time I think of the future I feel down again, as reality hits hard that my partner, my spouse, my best friend is not part of that future.   It seems blank and I have no vision for what the future will look like.   Right now that is a depressing feeling. ...

It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.  My stomach is churning and my mind won't stop.  A year ago right now I was sitting in a trauma room at the hospital looking at Scott's lifeless body, surrounded by stunned family.  If there was ever a time in my life that I wanted to run from life and avoid the pain, it was that moment.  Feeling overwhelmed, not sure of the next step, but knowing that life as Jaelyn and I knew it was gone forever and not knowing what the future would hold.  It felt like falling off the side of a cliff and not knowing how far the fall would be, but everything was in slow motion, feeling like it was going on forever. I'm trying not to rehash everything that happened a year ago, but rather focus on how far we have come.  And when I look back, I see how far we have come.  To hear Jaelyn giggle and laugh spontaneously brings tears to the eyes.  She was such a somber little girl for so long, yet she is moving forward also....

Today, for some reason, my thoughts are just flowing out of me.  Yet I cannot stop thinking about a conversation that I had with a friend yesterday.  I was talking about how busy things had been in my personal life recently.  Her immediate thought was that I had met someone special.  I remember sitting in stunned silence for a moment that this was her first thought. As we approach a year tomorrow, I have thought about how I will know when I am ready to stop wearing Scott's wedding ring and be open to moving forward to that step.  That is a question I don't have an answer for right now.  I figure that when I have that answer, then I am probably ready to let go.  I cannot comprehend a year ever being enough time, yet I would never judge someone else's grief journey if they reach that point before a year.  I have often told  people that if God has another special man in His plan for me at some point, He is going to have to drop him in my lap....

A year ago today, you were still with us.  The possibility of you being gone the next day never crossed our thinking.  In such a short amount of time our world came crashing down around us.  There is still shock and disbelief that you are gone.  Yet, we are moving forward.  We remember you constantly and miss your smile, crazy sense of humor, zany sense of adventure, spontaneity, and love and loyalty toward your family and friends.  You never hesitated to find a way to help a friend in need, without need or desire for recognition, often helping anonymously.  We miss you so much and you have changed all of us for the better for having known you and been loved by you.  We dreamed of a long life together, but God had other plans.  I still struggle to see a reason and a purpose from your death.  I realize that I may never see that until I see things from that side of heaven.  I am thankful that there is no pain and sadness in heaven...