Thoughts on Grief with C.S. Lewis

I have been reading the book, “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. This is journaling that C.S. Lewis did following the death of his wife.   There are a few passages that have really caught my attention as explaining experiences that I have had difficulty putting into words.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.  The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.  And grief still feels like fear.  Perhaps, more strictly like suspense.  Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen.”

 When I read this quote by C.S. Lewis, it was like a light bulb going on.  I had never heard anyone describe the physical feeling of grief before and this is exactly what I feel at times and haven’t been able to explain or even really understand myself.   It truly is a restlessness or sense of uneasiness that is difficult to explain.  When these feelings hit, it is hard to be able to do or start doing anything.  It is a feeling of being antsy and unable to settle down or relax.  There is a lack of focus or motivation.  I have to force myself to get out of the house and go be somewhere peaceful.

“The act of living is different all through.  Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”

 While C.S. Lewis was writing about the loss of his wife, what he experienced is true, at least in my grief journey.  Scott’s death and grieving his death colors everything about my life.  It has changed how I look at things – I find myself trying to be more like Scott in the things I admired about him – to be more spontaneous, to be more social, to be more positive.  While I am slow to make too many major decisions in the next year, I find myself taking more time to think through decisions – although some of this maybe a side effect of grief in that I have a much harder time focusing right now, take longer to process things, and have a greater difficulty remembering things.  I still find myself thinking, “I need to tell Scott about this, he would want to hear about this or know this.”  It feels like everything we do now reminds us of Scott.  While it is painful to remember, it also brings comfort, at least to me.  I’m not sure Jaelyn is always able to get past the pain to sense the comfort.

“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.  As I’ve already noted, not every bend does.  Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago.”

I find myself surprised and at times frustrated to keep re-experiencing the same emotions and thoughts over and over again. I wish sometimes to be through the grief process, than I think that how can I wish that as I can’t picture ever being through the grief process and ever not grieving the loss of Scott.   I remind myself that it hasn’t been that long since Scott’s death – even though at times it feels like a lifetime since I talked with him, felt his hand touching mine, or heard his heart beating.  At other times I find myself reliving in my mind the two days prior to his death, his death, and the two days after his death in minute by minute detail.   It still feels surreal at times and I still expect to see him walk through the door.