He Was The One

He was the one that I chose to spend the rest of my life with.  Why did I never think that it might only be the rest of Scott’s life, not mine?  And only fifteen short years together.   I never thought in terms of not having him by my side for the rest of my life.  I never pictured my life without him in it.  I pictured us growing old together.  I looked forward to family get-togethers for years to come, seeing our niece, nephew, and Jaelyn bring girlfriends or boyfriends, get married, and see their children.  I always pictured Scott playing with his grandchildren.  I never pictured the hole in the family that is now there.  I never imagined the pain of family get-togethers without him.  I miss the zaniness that Scott brought to life, family, and fun times.  You never really knew what to expect from Scott, other than the unexpected.   My life seems boring without him in it.  I miss his spontaneity and zest for life.  He had such a great sense of humor with a funny bone that didn’t take much to get tickled over something.  Scott saw in humor in little things that most people would overlook. 

Young girls often dream of the man that they will marry.  I was no different.  Scott and I hadn’t dated long before I had chosen in my mind that he was the one that I wanted to marry.  We didn’t rush into anything, dating for a year and a half before Scott asked me to marry him.  Scott was never quick to make a decision and I use to tease him that I was amazed that he was able to make the decision to ask me to marry him.  Scott proposed to me on a beautiful August evening on top of Boxcar Rocks on Gold Mine Mountain.  I think he was nervous even though he knew what my answer would be.  We were married eight months later.

 I am grateful that we took our time getting to know each other before we got married.  Scott and I were very different personalities.  He was spontaneous, thought through his decisions very deliberately and slowly, rarely planned ahead, hardly ever had anything go according to plan, thought outside the box, and was very disorganized.  I, on the other hand, liked to plan everything out ahead of time – often down to the last detail, processed information and made decisions very quickly, usually only consider “normal” ideas, and am fairly organized.  I will say that over the thirteen years that we were married before his death, I learned to go with the flow, be more spontaneous, be more patient in making decisions, and let go of my need for neat and organized (at least to a certain extent).  I hope that I don’t lose these things in the urge to seize control of my life.  Losing Scott leaves such a sense of loss of control of everything that the tendency is to more tightly control what is left.  I will say that learning to go with the flow kept me from getting stressed over the uncertainty of planning the burial service due to the complications with Scott’s military paperwork.  All I could do was throw up my hands, laugh and say, “it wouldn’t be Scott’s funeral if something didn’t go according to plan.” 

I know that I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without Scott in my life and his influence on my life and my way of thinking.  I often find myself worrying about those that Scott cared about the most.  I worry about his parents, and how they are handling his death, along with all the other major changes in the past seven months.  I worry most about his dad, who was with Scott when he died.   Scott died in his father’s arms.  I cannot imagine handling that.  I worry about Scott’s sisters – I know how hard it is to lose a sibling.   I worry about Scott’s closest friends, George Boyle, Bill Baltaeff, Bill Bertrand, and Chris Felker.  I worry about Jaelyn and the long-term effect this will have on her life.  Ironically, I don’t worry about myself.  I know that Scott took care of me financially and that God will give me the strength to take care of myself and will provide whatever else I need.

If I had known that we would have only had fifteen short years together, how many things would I have done differently.  I would have done a better job of making sure that he knew how much I loved him and how proud I was of him and that he was my husband.  I would have made sure he knew what an awesome father he was.  I would have done a better job of encouraging him in his creative and sometimes crazy ideas, instead of letting fear and societal norms hold me back.  I would have told him and showed him every day that he was the most important person in the world to me.  I wish that I had the chance to tell him that if I had it to do all over again, knowing that we would have had only 15 years together, that I would have still chosen him to be the one.