One more time

I’m starting to see somewhat of a pattern between the weather and rough days emotionally.  I find that on dreary rainy days my emotions tend to match the weather.  Today, the weather combined with a day of driving made for a day of much reflection and tears.  Today I was craving to see Scott one more time, see his smile one more time, one last hug and kiss, one last touch of his hand, one last time to talk to say all the important things.  It is still so hard to believe that he is gone, that this is real.   Just when I think my emotions are leveling out it hits again.  I replay in my mind Scott’s last moments on earth over and over again.  I replay our last moments together.  I replay moments leading up to and including the viewing, funeral, and burial services.  I replay our last conversations together.

Talking with Jaelyn at bedtime tonight, she talked about missing her daddy.  She hasn’t talked about her emotions much in recent weeks, so I made sure to engage her in conversation about this.  When I asked her what she missed, she answered, “everything,” just as she always answers that question when I ask her.  I asked her what it was today that made her think about him and miss him so much.  Jaelyn said that her birthday and going to visit her Grandma and Grandpa Bradley, Aunt Jill, Aunt Deanna, and Uncle Fernando.  We talked about how hard it is with him missing from the family get-togethers.  She asked me, “How can I stop missing Daddy?”  I told her, “We will never stop missing daddy.  It will hurt less as time goes by, but we will never stop missing daddy.”  She answered, “I won’t always miss daddy.”  I asked her, “What do you mean?”  She answered, “I won’t miss daddy when I’m in heaven.”  This hit me hard – I realized that in my grief I focus on what we have lost now.  Jaelyn focuses on when she will see her daddy again.   I think I probably need to have a balance between grieving what we have lost now, and the positive thinking in remembering where and when we will see him again.