Lori's Rambling

To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. . . The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. . . This hole in your heart is the shape of the one you lost – no one else can fit it.   – Jeanette Winterson Today most of this quote rings true to me, still not sure about the pain stopping, but the part about the hole in your heart being the shape of the one you lost fits how I felt today.   Today Jaelyn and I went to visit friends, Bill and Laurie Baltaeff, who live in the Philadelphia area.   We have not seen them since Scott’s funeral.   Bill and Scott were close friends for about fifteen years.    Bill and Laurie married when Jaelyn was nine months old.   Ever since they started dating, it has been the four of us (plus kids) getting together.   Today, Scott’s loss and absence was very obvious.   Whenever Jaelyn and I get together with friends, Scott’s absence is amplified and this changes the wh...

I started today on a fairly even keel emotionally. I’m learning which things are an automatic trigger to bring the raw edge of grief to the surface and bubbling over.   I use to somewhat enjoy some of the long drives that I do for work as time to talk with Scott or my parents mostly uninterrupted.   Now those same drives allow time to think with no distractions.   I find that when I am at home I have a tendency to keep myself busy doing something, even if it is as simple and mindless as playing solitaire.   This keeps me from thinking about things too much.   When I am driving alone I find my mind constantly drawn to thoughts of Scott and the tears bubble over.   Now that we are past the six week mark of Scott’s death, I think my mental and emotional numbness is wearing off and I find my emotions overflowing quickly.   The permanency and the hugeness of our loss hits like a ton of bricks and the grief comes in waves.   I thank God that while t...

I’m sitting reflecting on the past two days.   As rough as yesterday was emotionally, I’m thankful that I was able to take time to face the emotions and work through them.   So often when emotions hit, it is an inopportune time and emotions get stuffed down for later, but later doesn’t come.   I know that grief is a process and I am only in the beginning stages.   Everyone’s journey through grief is different, although many of the emotions may be the same.   I am learning to be more in tune to my emotions than I probably have been at any point in my life.   The time I spent at the Veteran’s Memorial at the cemetery yesterday with my journal, bible, and a box of tissues was not planned ahead of time.   I knew that I needed to be outside somewhere peaceful and quiet.   I didn’t know where I was going to end up when I left home that morning.   I have tried over the last two days to explain the power of the Veteran’s Memorial to friends an...

This blog was written earlier today: I'm sitting in the Veteran's Memorial at Fort Indiantown Gap National Cemetery.  The sound of the fountains almost blocks out the sound of the lawnmowers. It is beautiful, with a clear sky and sunshine.  Birds are singing and there is a peacefulness about this place.  I have been hit with such a flood of emotions today.  I went to work, but was only able to stay for about twenty minutes.  I have been unable to stop crying today. I'm not sure what has triggered the emotional onslaught today.   I think the permanency of the situation is catching up to me.  I miss Scott so much and am feeling so overwhelmed thinking about the future without Scott. It still seems like a bad dream that I will wake up from, then look back at the dream and be grateful that it was only a bad dream.  Yet I know it isn't a bad dream, but reality. I miss falling asleep with my head on Scott's chest listening to...

Yesterday I finally made it to the benefits office at work to update my health insurance and my beneficiaries for my death benefits and retirement.  It is the first time since Scott's death that I have filled out a form that asked for marital status.  It was like a hit between the eyes and I had to stop and think what to put in that spot.  It was very hard to write the word widow.   I still can't bring myself to change my facebook status to widow.  In my mind my marital status is married.  I feel like my whole identity has changed since Scott's death.  I am no longer a wife. I am no longer Scott's wife, I am Scott's widow.  This change feels so big to me that it feels like it is stamped on my forehead.   I sometimes wonder how I can look and act normally enough that those who do not know me cannot tell that my life has drastically and tragically changed in the past six weeks.  It is a surreal experience to func...

I had a two hour drive (one way) scheduled for today to see of the kids I'm working with.  Normally I would talk to my parents or Scott when driving long distances for work.  Today however, my parents weren't available as they were doing a stand at a show out of the area.  This highlighted the fact that I couldn't talk with Scott either.  Two hours in a van alone was not a great day -- too much time to think. I'm not sure I can even describe all the emotions I'm experiencing today, but I'm going to give it a try.  First is such an intense feeling of loneliness and missing the friendship that Scott and I had.  I lost my best friend and it is in the quiet moments that this hits home the most.  I still check my phone throughout the day for texts or phone messages from him.  I miss him reminding me to loosen up, just relax, and not take things so seriously.  I miss how he balanced me out and helped soften some of my edges. I am struck by a se...

Things I'm grateful for (in no particular order): Thirteen wonderful years of marriage with Scott. Some bumpy years, but we definitely tried to learn from those experiences. A wonderful daughter - Jaelyn.  She is so caring toward others.  Jaelyn has a wonderful sense of humor.  I love her so much and am so proud of her. A home that is paid for (no rent, no mortgage).  Thankful that this was important to Scott and we accomplished this about six months ago. No debt. Jaelyn was not with Scott when he died.  Scott was so active with Jaelyn and I am extremely thankful that Jaelyn does not have to deal with being with Scott when he died. Scott is in heaven.  Scott was private about his faith and was most often behind the scenes in ministry -- helping others quietly and without notice or acknowledgement. Scott had life insurance. Scott planned for the future.  As I've said in previous posts, Scott planned aggressively and with risk (at least in my mi...