Physical Pain of Loss

As the weather gets nicer and warmer I find myself thinking about and missing Scott more.  Scott loved Spring and Fall the most, as he loved being outdoors.  Whenever I am out in our yard, I find myself thinking about Scott and wishing he were here.   I find myself drawn to sit on the deck in the evening, yet it often makes me want to cry – Scott’s favorite thing was to be outside together, especially in the evening or after dark.  He loved to look at the stars and just enjoy the peace and quiet of the night.  Scott always felt closer to God when he was outside and it always lifted his spirits.  What is ironic about feeling drawn to be outside, is that as much as I like the outside, the negatives often overrode my desire to be outside – negatives that didn’t affect Scott – mosquitoes and bug bites.  For some reason he rarely got bug bites and if he did, they didn’t bother him.  Me, on the other hand – I am a magnet for any type of biting bug out there and the itching from those bites drives me nuts. 

Scott was good at getting us moving to do things outside when the weather was nice.  It is hard to do things outside with just Jaelyn and I – Scott is missing – and these are some of the moments when I feel that loss the strongest.  It is so strong, I feel it in a strong physical sense.  I’m not sure I can adequately describe the feeling.  I have had to push myself past this to do things and keep myself moving forward.  It is so easy when those feelings hit, to just hibernate in the house and isolate myself.  When I allow myself to do that I feel so down.  Fortunately most of the time I am very conscious of what I am doing and force myself to take steps to get out of the house, even if all we do is go for a drive.  I do allow myself to feel those feelings, but try not to wallow in them.

Since starting the new job, I have found myself over and over thinking, “I have to remember to tell Scott about this,” or “I can’t wait to tell Scott who I saw today.”  It seems like everywhere I go I am running into people who have worked with Scott, went to school with Scott, etc.  Years ago, right after we got married, when I was working for Children and Youth and Scott was working for Philhaven, we “shared” a client in common.  It was interesting to have separate jobs but have them intermingle.  There are definitely mixed feelings with running into all these people who knew Scott (outside of our relationship).  It brings back those fresher feelings of loss, but at the same time, it is nice to hear about Scott – and sides of him that I didn’t see in a work or school environment – and know that he is not forgotten.  Just today I ran into someone who recognized me from church (we go to a large church and although I didn’t recognize her, I did recognize her name) and shared that both she and her husband had gone to school with Scott.  Last week I attended a meeting at Philhaven’s Boy’s Residential Program with a co-worker.  The staff who opened the door for us was someone that Scott had worked with quite a bit at Philhaven over the past sixteen years and recognized me immediately upon opening the door.  He told me that it was good to see me, to see that I was doing alright.  It really hit me at that moment how many people are still thinking about us and praying for us, even almost nine months later.  It is easy to think that people have a tendency to forget and it is comforting to know that Scott is not forgotten and we are not forgotten.