Check "Complicated"

I was really looking forward to the nice weather this weekend, but found myself feeling down and melancholy this weekend.  The beautiful weather made me think about Scott.  He always pushed to be outside and active.  Having this beautiful weather without Scott left me feeling at loose ends, unable to get into any activity.  I really found that I was having to push myself to get out of the house, do something with Jaelyn, or spend time reading, rather than sleeping or playing mindless computer games.  This evening I found myself doing one of the things that Scott found peaceful – sitting in the backyard swinging on the swing set enjoying the sunset.  One of the things that I am thankful for in the new house is that there is a good view of the sunrise and the sunset from the back yard.

With life slowing down since the move, I am finding myself with more time to sit, think, and grieve.  This week has been a roller coaster emotionally with  our anniversary and wrapping up my last week in a job that I truly loved (with the exception of on-call).  Maybe this is why my emotions are swirling this weekend. 

So often when I anticipate a difficult day in this grief journey, it is frequently not as bad as I had anticipated.  Our anniversary was every bit as difficult as I anticipated and maybe even more difficult than I anticipated.  While we never really did anything spectacular or amazing for our anniversary, we were always together.  Wedding vows frequently have the phrase, “until death us do part.”  Death is so abrupt and changes a wife into a widow and a single in a split second.  It takes much longer for the heart and the head to catch up to that change.  I cannot say that my heart and my head have caught up to that change yet.  I have begun to get more used to saying widow, although my mind stutters every time I have to say it or fill it out on a form.  I cannot wrap my head around the title, single.  To me it implies never married or single by choice. To me it erases Scott, his role as husband, and my role as wife.  I wish there was some other title that didn’t sound as devastating as widow, but not as simple as single.  I don’t like putting widow on forms as I don’t always want to talk to strangers about Scott’s death.  Right now I wish there was a box labeled, “complicated” to check – that is how it feels in my brain anyway.