Lori's Rambling

I’m not sure how to put into words the thankfulness that I feel this Christmas.  I know, it is Christmas, not Thanksgiving, but I have many things to be thankful for, especially this year.  There were many moments this Christmas that I just wanted to sit down and cry.  The difference this year is that those moments were not primarily brought on by missing Scott.  No, this year those tearful moments were brought on by witnessing the immense healing that Jaelyn has gone through.  Jaelyn was extremely excited for Christmas this year – playing Christmas music constantly – her ipod was never far from her.  It would have driven Scott crazy.  He was never a big fan of Christmas music, but tolerated it when I played it.  I love Christmas music, but tried to respect his feelings by not playing it constantly.  Jaelyn played it so constantly that I was actually getting a little bit tired of it.  I was amazed that one of her favorite Christmas ...

So, this is our third Christmas since Scott’s death.  I thought that each year would get easier.  In so many ways it is the opposite.  I didn’t expect it to be harder.  I still see things and think, “oh, Scott would like that” or “oh, that would be a good gift idea for Scott.”  I still avoid the men’s departments in stores as I cannot walk through or past them without thinking about clothing he would like or would have needed.  Scott rarely felt the need to buy clothing for himself.  I bought most of his clothing just so I wasn’t embarrassed by the condition of his clothing.  (He lived in t-shirts and shorts anywhere he could get away with it, and even some places that it wasn’t quite socially appropriate.) The holidays bring a heightened sense of loss as everything is about family and thinking of or doing things with your loved ones. I think of my aunt, who is facing her first Christmas since my uncle’s death right after Christmas last yea...