Fifteen

Fifteen.  Fifteen years.  Thursday would have been our fifteenth wedding anniversary.  Last year’s wedding anniversary was probably the hardest “first” that I faced and probably the only “first” that was even harder than I had anticipated.  I treasure all of the memories that we have had, but each wedding anniversary is a reminder of the future memories and special moments lost.  They are a reminder of joys and regrets.  It is amazing how much insight and wisdom we have in looking back.  I always thought that we had time to “get it right.”  But without warning or preparation, that time to “get it right” was gone.   We definitely did not have a perfect marriage – there were areas that were great and areas that needed improvement, as I’m sure any married couple could say.  Yet, we were working on those things that needed improvement.  When I look back I see my stubbornness.  Too often our areas that needed improvement, in my mind, became a battle to be won rather than a team effort to put forth our best.  

Right now at church I am involved in a Connections Group exploring God’s divine design for women.  It has been challenging and convicting at the core.  It has caused me reflect on our marriage through the lense of God’s divine design. I think we had a pretty good marriage, with our ups and downs over the years.  Yet I can see so many ways that I undermined or usurped Scott’s role as a man in God’s divine design.  Honestly, I can see so many ways that changes in me and my need for control and need to be right would have made significant positive changes in our marriage.   I have had so much time to reflect on our marriage – on what was good and what needed work – more time than I probably reflected on our marriage in the whole  thirteen plus years we were married before Scott’s death.   

I don’t focus only on the regrets, but strive to learn from the regrets and hold on to the wonderful memories.  I treasure the memories of the fun and special times that we had together and the love that we had for each other.  It brings tears to my eyes when I celebrate Jaelyn’s accomplishments, when I see Scott in her eyes, and hear him in her sense of humor.  I love hearing memories shared from Scott’s friends and family – mostly filled with laughter since that was how he liked to live life.   Stories told through laughter since nothing in Scott’s life ever went according to plan – and every “change” in that plan was more humorous in each telling – especially if Scott was the one doing the telling!