Lori's Rambling

  Today, while avoiding cleaning by organizing and decluttering, I came across the sign-in book from Scott’s viewing and funeral, as well as laminated copies of his obituary. I don’t know if I will ever get use to seeing it in black and white.  I know that I write about Scott’s death and our grief journey frequently, but there is just something heart wrenching about seeing it in print from a newspaper and in the Funeral binder from the funeral home.  As I sat reading through the names of everyone who came to the viewing and/or funeral, there were many names of people that I don’t remember talking to at the time.  I know that I talked to a lot of people, many I didn’t/don’t know that were connected to Scott or his family.  But there are family members from my side of the family that I don’t remember talking to.   It is all a blur really.  I wish I could remember all the conversations from those two days with all the people who loved Scott and/or ...

  I’ve had some random thoughts floating through my head over the past couple of days.   Saturday morning was a rough morning with Jaelyn being cranky and grumpy for no apparent reason.  If I truly got to the root of the problem, it was that she didn’t want to go shopping with me that morning.  It was then that I really got angry in my spirit – not outwardly.  Outwardly I remained calm and reminded her that since Daddy’s death, I am the only one to take care of shopping, cleaning, etc.  This means that she is going to have to go with me to do things she doesn’t enjoy, that this is just the way life is right now.  Inwardly I felt like joining in her temper tantrum and screaming and crying, “This isn’t fair!”  I am angry at the situation, but because Scott’s death wasn’t anyone’s fault, there is no where to place that anger.   I have found myself getting angry over the situation more often than I have over the past fourteen months....

  Working on Jaelyn’s birthday party planning tonight brought mixed emotions.  This is her second birthday without her daddy.  The special days are the days when I wonder if the pain at these times will ever lessen.  I find myself sitting and crying over our loss which I haven’t done in a while.   Don’t get me wrong though – no tears does not equal no pain.  The grief is a constant dull throb, with moments of sharp stabbing pain.   Thankfully the moments of sharp stabbing grief are not as frequent as they were a year ago.  There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about Scott and talk about Scott – often with laughter, sometimes with tears, and occasionally with laughter and tears combined.  Scott left us with many happy, funny, and special memories. Every time we take a trip to the cabin with my parents, we talk about Scott and memories that we experienced with him at the cabin.  When we were riding the bike trail ...

  About a year ago I bought my first Origami Owl necklace.  A friend of mine started selling them last fall, just after Scott’s death.  When I followed her link to the website, what I saw intrigued me.  It was a unique piece of jewelry that I could personalize in memory of Scott for a reasonable amount of money.  I had never heard of Origami Owl before that.  Even the name, Living Locket, was meaningful, as the charms that I chose for it represented Scott’s life and death.  The locket was beautiful when it arrived and I have worn it frequently over the past year.  Every time I wore the locket I would have comments and questions about it.  It allowed me to talk about my story and what each charm in the locket stood for.  Jaelyn would frequently ask me if she could get one.  I hesitated for the longest time, concerned whether she would take care of it.  A few months ago I made the decision that I would get Jaelyn her own Origa...