"Even the darkness will not be dark to You"


Tonight I started a new devotional book by Beth Moore – “Looking Up – Trusting God with Your Every Need.”  The scripture was Psalms 139:1-16 – a very familiar Psalm.  Yet the part that leaped out at me tonight hit home because of a conversation with a friend today about my grief journey.  She was sharing with me how she felt that I was going through this journey with so much grace and handling things amazingly.  I responded that I didn’t feel like I had a choice in moving forward.  I have often said that without Jaelyn to keep me moving forward that I feel like I would have just curled up in a ball.  She didn’t believe this.  I shared with her that I have my dark moments – not that I “allow” people to see – these moments are in my leisure time.  The temptation is either to keep so busy that I don’t have time to think about our loss, or, to the other extreme, to wallow in the grief and misery.  The trick is finding the balance – having the time to grieve and work through the emotions and also not retreat from life. 

Anyway, in reading Psalm 139 tonight, verses 11 and 12 jumped out at me – “If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”  This really spoke to the hope that I have felt, even in my darkest moments.  Even in those moments, God is working good things and helping me to catch glimmers of the light and see the hope for the future – baby steps.

I still relive the moments of learning of Scott’s death and the days following.  I cannot allow myself to dwell on those thoughts, and it takes conscious effort to keep my thoughts moving forward, or I will wallow in the grief.  I don’t block those thoughts, but try to keep my thoughts moving forward and focus on positive things in my life.

Many people have commented on my strength and grace in this journey.  I don’t want people to be looking at me, but seeing that in my weakness, God is shining through.  I do not see myself as unique, strong, or full of grace – simply as someone trying to take one day at a time, looking to God for strength, and trying to honor Scott’s memory by living life like he would want us to do.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

New Hobby -- Clay jewelry and crafts with Sculpey Clay

Image
One of my friends got me started making jewelry about 2 years ago.  I tried selling necklaces and earrings at one point early on but discovered that making money by making jewelry is not the easiest thing in the world especially since it seems like eveyone is into making jewelry.  I still enjoy making jewelry, but I am getting overloaded with necklaces.  I mean really, a person can only wear so many necklaces.  So just recently I decided to expand my jewelry making into actually making the beads and pendants themselves.  On a recent trip to Michael's, our local craft store, I discovered Sculpey clay that can be baked in a regular oven.  I bought a DVD put out by Sculpey on different processes and steps to making certain types of items, jewelry, luggage tags, picture frames, etc.  It teaches the basic techniques to obtaining certain basic looks that can be expanded on to make more elaborate pieces.  I have been experimenting with it the last...
Read more

Upcoming Mega Yard Sale

For those of you who live locally and are looking for good things cheap, we are having a mega-yard sale Friday and Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend. Scott and I have been accumulating and accumulating for the eleven years that we have been married. For the last nine months we have been clearing out and preparing for a yard sale. The more we get organized, the larger we realize this yard sale is going to be. We will be selling some furniture -- a dining room table, a love seat, etc., tons and tons of infant, toddler up to size 6 in girls clothing, a large amount of plus size women's clothing - 1X - 2X and 16W - 18W, baby and toddler toys, baby and toddler equipment -- exersaucers, art desk, etc, stuffed animals (smoke-free house), as well as many books -- lots of cookbooks (Taste of Home as well as others), and many, many other odds and ends. Scott and I are trying to simplify our lives and reduce the amount of stuff that we have -- stuff that we don't really need, but som...
Read more

"Normal"

Well,  I went back to work today and Jaelyn went back to school.  Life goes on as "normal."  I had a pretty good day at work and Jaelyn had a good first day of school.  So why am I angry?  How can life go on as normal with one of the most important people in my life gone?  I don't want normal again -- life isn't normal when your spouse dies at such a young age with no warning.  My mind and my heart want to fight against normal.  Normal makes it feel like it wasn't a big deal that Scott died and that he didn't matter, and it was and is a big deal and he did matter.  Yet life must go on.  It doesn't seem right.  I want life to just pause for a moment to acknowledge the significance of Scott's life gone, yet life goes on.  It is hard to move on, plan for the future that he was always to be a part of and now is not. I know I'm not the first person to experience grief and loss and will not be the last person.  I know that Sco...
Read more