Scott's Birthday

Scott’s birthday – where to start. . .this day was much harder than I expected.  Quite frankly it was harder than Christmas.  I have spent a lot of time today thinking about why that was.  I have come to the conclusion that at Christmas I was so busy and on the go that I didn’t have time to sit and think about Scott.  This weekend, due to Jaelyn being sick, I had plenty of time to sit and think.  There are moments that it still seems so surreal.  I still find myself going back in time in my mind, looking for signs and symptoms of heart problems that we missed, even though the coroner told me that most heart issues of this type have no signs and symptoms ahead of time.

 I anticipated being overwhelmed by emotions after getting settled as we have been so busy for a couple of months that there hasn’t been time to sit and absorb all the different thoughts and emotions.  It hit quicker than I expected, maybe in part because of being forced to be still with Jaelyn being sick this weekend.  Maybe this was God telling me to stop and be still. Even while in the car on the way to and from Target today, getting organizational items for the house, I couldn’t stop thinking about Scott.  The car seemed too quiet, the radio seemed invasive. 

This whole weekend I have felt melancholy.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about and missing Scott.  Even with Jaelyn being sick, I missed him – he wasn’t the most involved in taking care of Jaelyn when she was sick, but he did take care of the task I hate the most – cleaning up puke.  I absolutely cannot clean it up without then having to clean up my own as a result.  Fortunately both times Jaelyn puked this weekend my mom was here.  She volunteered to finish cleaning it up the first time, which I gratefully accepted.  It seems stupid to find myself missing Scott while cleaning up puke.  Yet, it is that partnership that a married couple has that each supports the other.  Scott hated to do paperwork of any kind, so I handled all the paying of the bills and other paperwork.  It is that balanced partnership of his strengths balancing out my weaknesses and vice versa – even coming down to cleaning up puke.

It was touching to see the various happy birthday and memory wishes to Scott on Facebook and prayers for Jaelyn and me during this day.  We talked about Scott a lot today.  Jaelyn picked out the photo that she wants in her “Daddy and Me” picture frame that I got her for her birthday last year.  It was neat seeing her sort through and pick out her favorite pictures of her and daddy.  We ordered a few different photos that she picked out as special photos for frames in her bedroom.  It was a good day with Jaelyn.  She was feeling well enough for the most part to be able to play and do things together.  Jaelyn commented at the end of the day that she had really enjoyed today and all the different things we did together.  Again, I think God was forcing me to slow down and be still, enjoy the time with Jaelyn, and think about Scott.

Be still.  I think this is one of the hardest things to do in this grief journey for me.  It is hard to find the times and then to want to be still when I do find the times.  Sometimes, like this weekend, God finds a way to force the stillness and then I need to be willing and open for what He has in that stillness.