Lori's Rambling

Eight years ago this morning, 1:12 a.m. to be exact, Scott and I were blessed with a beautiful red-headed little girl.   It seemed like it took forever to get to that point.   Jaelyn was due on October 21, 2004.   Yet that date came and went and no baby.   Scott and I did not know yet if God was blessing us with a little girl or a little boy.   We chose not to find out ahead of time.   At my last prenatal appointment, I was told to call the hospital on the morning of October 28 th to see when to come in to be inducted.   We called early on the morning of the 28 th and were told to check back later that day.   After checking back a couple of times, we were told to call back on the 29 th .    A friend who works in labor and delivery told us later that the reason we couldn’t be induced on the 28 th was because Hershey Medical Center had a set of triplets, two sets of twins, and three single babies born on that day.   We went in at 6:30 a.m. on Friday, October 29 th .   I was ind

October 29, 2012   10:30 p.m.   I am tired tonight, but having trouble sleeping.   Maybe if I get some of my thoughts out on paper, I will be able to get my mind to rest so that I can get to sleep.   Jaelyn finally fell asleep.   She is sleeping with me tonight.   She thinks this is a treat – not so much for me as she is not a good bed partner.   I think the storm has her a little bit more on edge than normal too. I’ve been thinking about Scott a lot today since I came home from work at lunchtime.   Being essentially homebound with this storm left me lots of time for thinking.    Being homebound would have driven Scott crazy.   Knowing him, he would have been in and out of the house all day exploring the storm damage.   He would have planned fun activities with us, such as playing cards by candlelight or building blanket forts.   This was life with Scott.   He had a way of taking crazy stressful times like this and turning them into fun memory making events.   I do not hav

I expected that past couple of days to be difficult emotionally with Jaelyn’s last soccer game and celebrating her birthday with friends and family.   I find myself surprised almost every time that I expect things to be difficult emotionally.   In thinking about this tonight, I think that when I am expecting things to be emotional, I am more prepared to handle the emotion so it doesn’t hit as hard as I expect.   It was still hard, missing Scott from these celebrations, but I wasn’t an emotional teary eyed mess.   I was enjoying watching Jaelyn having a good time.   I was able to put most of the emotions aside and focus on Jaelyn.   And she truly had a good weekend and enjoyed herself.   I worried about her missing her daddy so much through these celebrations that it would be hard for her to have fun, but that wasn’t the case at all.   Rather, it gave her something positive and happy to focus on.   I find when things hit me unexpectedly, I am also caught off guard by the intensit

I had a conversation with Jaelyn tonight at bedtime that broke my heart.   Jaelyn was with my parents after school tonight and they took her to soccer practice.   Before practice my mom called me to talk with me about a conversation she had with Jaelyn that concerned her and didn’t want to talk to me about it in front of Jaelyn.   She shared that Jaelyn told her that she plays alone at recess almost every day.   I asked Jaelyn at bedtime if she still played with her friend Taylor at recess.   She said sometimes, but most of the time she plays by herself.   I asked her why.   Jaelyn said that because most of her friends had met her daddy, being with them made her think of her daddy.   She said that thinking about her daddy makes her not feel good and feel sad.    I asked her if it makes her sad when I talk about daddy.   She said yes. This breaks my heart.   I don’t want to see Jaelyn isolate herself from her friends at school.   When she is at home, she is always asking t

I’m starting to see somewhat of a pattern between the weather and rough days emotionally.   I find that on dreary rainy days my emotions tend to match the weather.   Today, the weather combined with a day of driving made for a day of much reflection and tears.   Today I was craving to see Scott one more time, see his smile one more time, one last hug and kiss, one last touch of his hand, one last time to talk to say all the important things.   It is still so hard to believe that he is gone, that this is real.    Just when I think my emotions are leveling out it hits again.   I replay in my mind Scott’s last moments on earth over and over again.  I replay our last moments together.  I replay moments leading up to and including the viewing, funeral, and burial services.  I replay our last conversations together. Talking with Jaelyn at bedtime tonight, she talked about missing her daddy.   She hasn’t talked about her emotions much in recent weeks, so I made sure to engage her in co

Tonight I drove to the cemetery after work.   Scott’s death still seems so unreal and like the worst nightmare.   I wonder when or if it ever feels real.   Kneeling by Scott’s grave, tracing his name on the stone with my finger, I was angry – angry that he had to die so young, angry that there was no chance to say goodbye, angry that Jaelyn’s father is gone.    When does it become real?   When do I fit the identity of widow?   I still feel and consider myself married.   When does that transition in thought begin to take place?   Grief takes so many different shapes and forms.   Every day it feels like I am in a different place.    I am finding that grief is a place of many questions and few answers – and honestly having the answers to those many questions would not take the pain of loss away.   So I wonder at times what good the answers would do and if the answers won’t do any good, then why ask the questions.   There are questions that I need to ask – how is Jaelyn working t

I’m beginning to see some changes in this grief journey.   I see a movement away from constant sadness and tearfulness to a being caught off guard by random moments, such as a song on my ipod, seeing a husband and wife holding hands, etc.   It is a slow change, but I think for the first time I am noticing a change.   My dad mentioned to me the other day that he can see the healing happening.   It really made me stop and think about where I have come from and where I was at the moment.   I do think that for me healing comes in talking/journaling     –    talking about Scott, about my memories, about my emotions, and about all the changes.   I find myself spending more time lately thinking of ways to preserve Scott’s memories (without making a shrine to him).   Honestly though, if I didn’t have Jaelyn to keep me going and keep me focused on the future and keeping things as normal as possible, I’m not sure I would have made the slow progress in healing that I have made.   Having Ja

People always say that in time of tragedy, you find out who your true friends are – and there aren’t as many true friends as previously thought.   I can say that when my brother had his accident and the 12 years of challenges and health issues that followed, I found this statement to be true. I will say that this statement is NOT true in our journey since Scott’s death.   I have found out who my true friends are.   I feel very blessed at the large number of true friends that Jaelyn and I have.   I have read quotes about true friendship that talk about true friendship does not require talking every day, true friends are at your side in time of trouble, no matter how long it has been since you have talked.   This has truly been our experience, both for Jaelyn and for me.   Many friendships have been renewed through our tragedy.   I have also gotten to know some of Scott’s friends better in our shared grief over his loss. This is the silver lining in our black cloud.     I always f

Tonight I’m praying for patience, strength, energy, and wisdom.   I think this must be a single-parents single most prayed prayer. Finding the strength and energy to be consistent in discipline and boundaries with Jaelyn is a daily struggle.    I think I took for granted the ability to tag-team parenting with Scott.    It is exhausting to always need to be patient and respond with wisdom, without someone to share that responsibility.   It is hard to discern when her disrespect and talking back is “normal” behavior for an almost eight year old or when it is her grief and anger coming out.   I know that regardless of what the reason is, the behavior needs to be addressed. However knowing the reason for the behavior would change how I would address it.   Jaelyn isn’t able to explain why she behaves the way she does, but this isn’t surprising.   Even as an adult, I often can’t explain why I am irritated or upset.     It takes me sitting down and really thinking about it, and there are

Well, we are back from our weekend at deer camp.   I expected it to be emotional for me, but I was surprised.   The weekend seemed to affect Jaelyn more than me.   I think maybe I wasn’t emotional because I was tuned into Jaelyn’s emotions.   Don’t get me wrong, I missed Scott and it felt like a big hole all weekend.   I expected to be tearful or just generally down this weekend.   I think maybe I gained strength from doing things that I know Scott enjoyed doing.   I am including an excerpt from a journal entry that I wrote over the weekend.   10/14/12 I’m sitting in front of the fireplace at deer camp enjoying the fire burning.   The cabin is quiet – my parents, Jaelyn, and the two dogs are fast asleep.   The only sounds are the fire crackling and the sound of my pen on the paper.   It was a tiring day today.   Jaelyn had a very rough morning.   She was extremely grouchy, complaining, and growling (literally) about everything on the drive and the hike.   We just couldn

Scott loved to go kayaking and each of us had our own kayak, including Jaelyn.   Our last kayaking trip together was in May of this year.   It was quite the adventurous trip.   We planned to kayak a section of the Swatara Creek.   I remember that as we were packing up to leave home that Scott was frustrated because he had “lost” his boat straps at his parent’s house that he normally used to tie the kayaks to the vehicles.   As a result, we only had one boat strap and Scott had to improvise with rope which takes even longer to secure.   Scott was always super cautious (sometimes overly) to make sure that the ropes were tight and the kayaks were secure.   We left our blazer at the Lickdale Campground which was to be our take out spot.   We put in the kayaks up towards Pine Grove at Swopes Valley Road.   It was a beautiful warm day and we started out right after lunch.    The creek was perfect depth for kayaking, not too shallow and not too fast.   When we kayak with Jaelyn she lik

I recently ordered five children's books off of Amazon.com that are specifically written to help children work through the process of grieving the loss of a significant person in their life.  Three of the five were written from a Christian perspective.  I have been extremely impressed with all five books. The first book is "Samantha Jane's Missing Smile" by Julie Kaplow and Donna Pincus.  This book is written about a third grade girl whose father died.  I really liked how this book talked about all the possible emotions a child that age could have with the death of a parent and how memories keep that person a continuing part of the child's life. This book is not written from a Christian perspective and does not talk about heaven, but rather focuses on the feelings of loss and the importance of memories and not feeling guilty for being happy at times and having fun.  Samantha-Janes-Missing-Smile- The second book is "The Invisible String" by Patrice Ka

Empty. . .hollow. . . aimless. . .unfocused. . .all these words describe how I have been feeling for the last couple of days.   There is an empty hollow feeling that leaves me wandering aimlessly through the house, unable to focus on anything that needs done or anything I normally enjoy doing.   So much to do and my normal excuse is not enough time to do them.   This excuse is not completely accurate, although time is a part of the issue.   No, lack of focus and concentration is the true culprit to not getting things done.   I think I finally understand, at least a little bit, how Scott had such difficulty focusing and concentrating with his attention deficit disorder.   It is difficult to focus on anything that I am reading -- whether the Bible, devotionals, Christian fiction, etc.  I even have a new book from my favorite author on my Kindle -- have had it for about a week and a half -- and haven't even begun to read it.  I can't really bring myself to start it.  I'm n

I was reading in “Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul:   Stories about Life, Death and Overcoming the Loss of a Loved One” tonight.   A story shared within one of the stories caught my attention.   I have always liked dragonflies, now they have special meaning.   A group of water bugs was talking one day about how they saw other water bugs climb up a lily pad and disappear from sight.   They wondered where the other bugs could have gone.   They promised one another that if one of them ever went up the lily pad and disappeared, it would come back and tell the others where it had gone. About a week later one of the water bugs climbed up on the lily pad and emerged on the other side.   As it sat there, it transformed into a dragonfly.   Its body took on an iridescent sheen, and four beautiful wings sprouted from its back.   The dragonfly flapped its wings and took off in flight, doing loops and spins through the sunlit sky.   In the midst of its joyful flight, it remembered th

He was the one that I chose to spend the rest of my life with.   Why did I never think that it might only be the rest of Scott’s life, not mine?   And only fifteen short years together.     I never thought in terms of not having him by my side for the rest of my life.   I never pictured my life without him in it.   I pictured us growing old together.   I looked forward to family get-togethers for years to come, seeing our niece, nephew, and Jaelyn bring girlfriends or boyfriends, get married, and see their children.   I always pictured Scott playing with his grandchildren.   I never pictured the hole in the family that is now there.   I never imagined the pain of family get-togethers without him.   I miss the zaniness that Scott brought to life, family, and fun times.   You never really knew what to expect from Scott, other than the unexpected.    My life seems boring without him in it.   I miss his spontaneity and zest for life.   He had such a great sense of humor with a funny bo

I have been reading the book, “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. This is journaling that C.S. Lewis did following the death of his wife.     There are a few passages that have really caught my attention as explaining experiences that I have had difficulty putting into words. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.   I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.   The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.   And grief still feels like fear.   Perhaps, more strictly like suspense.   Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen.”   When I read this quote by C.S. Lewis, it was like a light bulb going on.   I had never heard anyone describe the physical feeling of grief before and this is exactly what I feel at times and haven’t been able to explain or even really understand myself.     It truly is a restlessness or sense of uneasiness that is difficult to explain.   When these feelings hit, it is hard to be

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved.   But this is also the good news.   They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up.   And you come through.   It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp. – Anne Lamott   As anyone who has grieved a significant loss knows, some days are better than others.   On the “bad” days it is hard to understand that one day the pain will not be as strong as it is now.   On the “good” days, there is hope that one day the pain will not be as strong as it is now.   It is hard being alone, missing the adult companionship and camaraderie.   It is missing the physical touch and intimacy of a spouse – the touch of a hand touching yours, a simple hug, an arm around the shoulder – the simple touch that conveys a deep